Social challenges unveiled

As I'm going into my very first professional evaluation conversation today, I figured it's about time that I touch on a subject that I normally try to not mention. It's the part of me that I'm possibly the least happy with; my social skills.

Over the years I've been going through a big change in character. From a child with quite a vocal opinion, to put it lightly, to a quiet teenager with few friends and few opinions and then finally to a semi-stable young adult with ample friends. However, even though these days I am quite capable of interacting with other human beings without being a complete idiot, I have yet to master the full extent of social skills that is available.

In general this is not problematic, so aside from embarrassing myself occasionally I keep quiet about it. Sometimes though, there are these moments that are just such a struggle and I know how little the people around me understand about that; which is why I wanted to share my story.

When I have a moment of social anxiety I shut down. This can happen when I have to do something I have never done before or something that went a bit wrong before or something that comes at a time that I'm already at my tax. To me it definitely feels like a bucket that is gradually filling up and that I have to drain every once in a while by taking some me time.

Most interactions do not ask that much of me but at other times things just pile up. Asking someone if I'm on the right train, picking up a simple phone call at work, sending out a daring email, replying to a text of someone I kind of like.. All these things cost me a little bit and when it all comes at the same time I get overwhelmed.

Sometimes this means that I just shut down and everything suddenly becomes this big deal that is simply too much to overcome. I just can't do it then. For example, after aforementioned line of tasks I find out I need to make a call about a subscription that needs to be cancelled and, even though it's the simplest thing, it feels like a mountain to climb.

This is the worst because it seems so silly to everyone else but to me, at that point, it's a rock wall that I can only see and everyone expects me to walk straight through.

What helps for me at those moments is definitely giving myself a break. I can also push myself if it's necessary but in general this leads to my #2 option, which is me crying and telling myself over and over that I hate myself so so much and that everyone should hate me because I am worthless. Not my best episodes. Basically, I learn more and more to listen to when I'm reaching that moment and when I need to take a step back and go for a walk, or a run or just binge on Netflix and regroup and not put myself up to standards that shouldn't be hard, but are.

As I said, I know that this process is something that most people cannot relate to, but with mental health becoming more and more of an accepted issue I feel that it's time to be honest about the struggles that make life that little bit harder.

If you recognize yourself in my story then please just know that you are not the only one and that it is okay to give yourself a break every once in a while, even if it seems like others never need that. Everyone is different and struggles with different things. Do not be afraid to take good care of yourself. You are worth being taken care of and that starts with yourself.